A personal post

elements

It’s been a while since I posted. This one is personal and DD related 🙂

I am heading out for a morning run as soon as I post this.

Why?

  • Not because I understand the wonderful endorphin rush that comes from exercise.
  • Not because I understand my body’s needs for Vitamin D, and glorious, wonderful sunshine.
  • Not because I want to tone my body and get back into shape after a few funny remarks, from my daughter, about looking pregnant in my fold over skirt. (My body type does not do well with fold over skirts. Alas, time to put the yoga pants on again ;))

Nope, I am going out for a run because my husband told me to.

Point blank.

I have been fighting depression (actually, it’s more like super highs, followed by tremendous lows. But that’s for another post – depression and the creative person) for over ten years now.

Sometimes it stays away, and I am at my lovely homeostasis – fast talking, high energy, hilarious jokes (only the right kind of person truly gets this humor, but that’s okay 🙂 ), confidence, exuberance, motivated, on target with all tasks for the day.

Then a low hits. These lows aren’t the typical, “I’m feeling blue” blahs. They are more like the deepest, darkest place you could ever go, and you think everyone hates you- most of all yourself. Every imperfection that you once found endearing, charming or beautiful, has now turned sour and ugly.

When I get to this place, I can’t even crawl back out. And hey, for a 5’2, 110 lb’er that has always been overlooked, but has thrived on competition and showing people they are wrong about the little, hyper gal, that’s saying something.

It takes special friends, who talk to me on the phone or internet. They bless me with words of love and affirmation. They pull me up, enough, until I can finally get to a ledge, catch my bearings, and pull myself out.

Sometimes, these waves last longer than others, and come more frequently.

My husband knows that I have been fighting something this past few months. He doesn’t understand it. But he makes sure not to turn his back from it.

We backed off on the spanking part of our relationship a month ago, because I was becoming more resentful, angry, and depressed because he did not have time to spank me. This has been a source of confliction for both of us for a while now.

He doesn’t like spanking, but does it every once I a while, because I have explained I want (and sometimes,) need it.

We didn’t want to resent each other, or our relationship, so we backed off.

Last week, he called me on his way to work.

After another failed attempt at getting myself motivated for a productive day, he took charge.

“Okay, here’s what is going to happen,” he said over the phone. “You are going to go for a run before 9 am. Then you will come back and write. If you can’t write at that point, do a quick clean-up. If your thoughts come back to you, go write, and clean later. This afternoon, you will go for a walk.”

Excuse me? (ok, this angered me a bit)

Now, being the highly submissive woman that I am (slight bit of sarcasm hinted at in the previous phrase), I immediately replied.

“That’s so grrrrrrrreat! Thank you sooooooo much for your suggestion. I was already planning on going for a run, so we MUST have been vibing off each other. Thanks!” (gush gush gush)

His reply was less gushy. “I know what you’re doing, and no, you don’t get to control this situation. You ARE going for a run, and it is because I am telling you to go.”

This led to a few more minutes of open conversation, where I was able to tell him how tired I was, and how sad I had felt that he had hurt my feelings earlier (it’s silly. He didn’t bring me home something from his business trip, but brought home stuffed animal ducks for our kids)

“I wanted a duuuuuuuuuck!” I sobbed.

We talked a bit more, and got everything resolved.

Now, he knows that I want him to bring me something from his trips, to let me know he was thinking of me- that I am cherished and loved and remembered.

Now, I know that he still leads our household, even though he is not spanking me. I also know that no matter how much I initially hate him telling me what to do:

I’ll do it.

Because I like it when he tells me to do something, especially if it makes me feel better.

I like submitting to him.

And I like exercising in the sun.

I am off for a run, because he called me this morning, and told me to.

Hugs and blessings ❤

pretty runner from behind

20 thoughts on “A personal post

  1. Cara Bristol

    Your husband sounds like a gem, like he tries really hard to give you what you need. Hope your run in the sun gives you the boost you need to get back on tracks. Big hug!

    Reply
  2. awesomesub

    Hi Katherine, I am so sorry that you have to fight depression. It is wonderful that your husband stepped up (honestly, no spanking sounds so not awesome) and that you are feeling better from knowing that he is there for you. I hope that he will always be there for you to support you when you need it most.

    hugs

    Nina

    Reply
  3. racheldevineuk

    Are you bi-polar? With your highs and lows so extreme it sounds as though you might be. Perhaps you should talk to your doctor. Best wishes and hope you manage to restore some equiibrium.

    Reply
  4. Corinne

    I really appreciate your raw honesty here. Life is a bumpy ride with high highs and low lows. Thank God for those put in our lives that help us keep our equilibrium when the hard times hit us. Love you, friend.

    Reply
  5. rosychuckles

    Oh Bless you Katherine, My mother has suffered with depression for my entire life and makes no attempt to get help, accept help, nothing. You are trying , you accept what is happening to you and best of all your husband is helping you. I really really hope that your run in the sun lifts your spirits and pray that you will feel better soon,
    love Jan,xx

    Reply
  6. marywehr

    Katherine, I have depression also and it’s not any easy illness to deal with. Some days are so good, I find myself hoping they stay that way. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen, so I have to push myself. Don’t be afraid to take any meds scribed by your doctor. Sunshine does help. Love you ❤

    Reply
  7. Kelly Dawson

    Thank you so much for sharing this Katherine! I battle with depression on and off too, and can relate so well to what you are saying. Your husband sounds like an amazing man (but just like my man, he can’t read minds so well). I hope you come back from your run feeling great 🙂

    Reply
  8. krblake

    Yup, I’m another author to add to your list of those who suffer from depression. I am on meds, and they do help, but they are not for everyone. Hope the run and sun helped you today, and you’re feeling more like your usual perky self. And you’re right, it’s usually the little things that upset us, probably because the big things require everything we’ve got, including all our patience. Feel better.

    Reply
    1. katherinedeane Post author

      I didn’t know that, Kathryn. Thanks so much for sharing ❤
      hehe the daggone duck was what finally did me in! 😉
      Excellent point about the big things.
      Thanks.
      hugs

      Reply
  9. rozharrison

    Hi Katherine, thank you so much for sharing this with us. I am sorry you are dealing with depression and so glad your husband stepped up to help you. I hope the run helped.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

    Reply
  10. Jon

    I wish my wife was as sensitive to my bouts of depression. But – BIG BUT – she is so wonderful that I’m embarrassed to complain.

    Reply

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