Drawing the Line

**NOTE- You will probably be able to see that my emotions did another cool, “Let’s go on a roller coaster with K’s head” moment.  I am feeling better after saying my piece. And I have finally figured out where this next small blog series is going to go.

After this post, I hope to talk to a really great author about one of her books, and how it might apply to some of the feelings I have been having.

My next goal, is to talk to another awesome author friend, to gain some insight into the differences between DD, D/S, and BDSM.

But first, a personal post.

BTW, I am feeling better now. 🙂 **

drawing the line in sand

Drawing the Line

It’s time for another truthful post. I had a bit of a scary moment the other day.  I was thinking about how to get another spanking from hubby. Truth be told, I like being spanked. I find it comforting, cathartic, and a lot of times, arousing.  Sometimes, I think about spankings all day. I make up scenes in my head, where I get pulled over his knee for a firm but loving chastisement. I daydream about paddles, switches and canes, and the howling and begging that would come from these sessions. I don’t know why I feel this way. It confuses me, and shames me. Surely, a normal person wouldn’t have these feelings. Would they?

It reminded me of the conversation hubby and I had a year ago, at the very beginning of our DD journey.  He had figured out very early on, even before I realized it, that I was a Spanko. Not that he knew that term. But he did articulate that he did not think DD would work for us, because I seemed to like being spanked.  That was very humiliating. And it still kind of confuses and hurts me now.  But he had brought up a very valid point.

This conversation came back to me recently, and it really worried me.  I am in a DD relationship with my husband, whom I am supposed to love, honor and obey.  And most of the time, I do that. Well, to be perfectly honest, I try to do it. I try to submit. I try to honor him. I TRY not to roll my eyes at him when he is being a doofus. And I try to honor him by not calling him a doofus very often – especially not to his face. 🙂

I also need to make something clear. I am not a masochist or a pain whore, or any other term that goes along with someone who enjoys pain. I don’t enjoy pain.  I cry when I have to get a shot, I put off all dentist appointments.

(By the way, shouldn’t my HOH force me to go to the dentist to see about my cavities before they become root canals? That should seriously fall under HOH duties- drag wife kicking and screaming into dentist OR spank her every hour until she goes. I hate going to the dentist!)

I don’t wear underwire bras or tight jeans (both are too constricting and painful). I don’t have a problem with someone else being masochistic, if that’s their shtick, so be it. But it’s not mine.

Why am is saying this?

Because I am confused about my reaction to the spankings. It’s hard to comprehend my liking something, that I don’t actually like – PAIN. It makes no sense to me.

And it goes against the unwritten rule in the DD society.  The rule seems to be that there is a line between BDSM and D/S and DD.  If I want to be a true DD’er, I need to hate my punishments, and be humble and submissive to my HOH.

This confuses me, and makes me feel like a freak – A DD freak.  I do feel badly when I disrespect my husband, or treat him badly, or manipulate him. And I feel badly when he has to punish me over these transgressions, since I know how much he dislikes spanking me.  I feel guilty and sad.

But does it keep me from doing the same action at a later time?

No.

For someone reason, I crave his punishment. I don’t know if it is the connection, the fact that he is giving me 100% of his attention, or if it is actually the release from the spanking. I don’t know.

I felt like such a freak when I realized that his words from the past may have actually been true.

I like it when he spanks me.  Sometimes I like it more than others.  Sensual and good girl spankings are awesome! But maintenance and punishment spankings are good for me as well. In fact, sometimes they are better. He goes longer and harder for maintenance and punishments sessions. And I feel so much better when they are over.

Sometimes, I wish this THING in me would go away. I wish I could do some sort of hypnosis, and forget everything about spanking, DD, dominance and submission – all of it. If I could forget this part of me ever existed, I wouldn’t be so unhappy when he ignores my needs; or even worse, just doesn’t get it.

He just does not understand or relate to any of this. He doesn’t get turned on by words like “red ass”, “naughty girl”, or “Yes Sir”, like I do. I crave this dominance, the emotional connection, the release.  It’s such a big part of me. And it hurts that he doesn’t understand.

If I could make this go away, I would probably still walk through life feeling like there was something a tad bit off, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it, so I would let it go. But to know what I want, how I feel, and long for, so much I can taste it, and not have a fully reciprocating partner, is worse.  It’s humiliating.  It’s depressing. It hurts.

Which brings me back to my first point.

Why do I feel this way?

What the heck is wrong with me?

How do we combine my need for the HOH / DD lifestyle with my obvious positive emotional feelings towards each session?

I have seen the proverbial line.  The real DD’ers submit; they don’t enjoy their spankings, and they sure as heck don’t manipulate their HOH’s into spanking them. 

So where does that put us? Are we even doing DD? Am I asking for something else?

D/S, BDSM?

Where does my freakishly square peg fit?

Where is the proverbial line?

Does there even have to be a line?

Does it make me less of a DD’er if I admit that I have a little kink in me? (Little, obviously being an understatement)

Where does someone like me fit in?

Hopefully, after a little chatting with my good friends, I will have a better handle on some of this.

But for now, I really am happy to be in a DD relationship with my hubby. But I’m also embarrassed and sad that I don’t seem to fit the normal DD bill.  I am still longing for that next spanking, and am also humiliated by this desire.

So, what’s next?

Am I a freak or not?

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11 thoughts on “Drawing the Line

  1. Natasha knight

    You are not a freak. I can’t comment fully now (at friend’s house) but you are not a freak.

    Reply
  2. Patricia Green

    No, you are not a freak, Katherine. You might be a little confused, but that can be a good thing. It makes you think things through and create solutions.

    There are a lot of people who enjoy spankings. Many of those people limit the spankings to erotic foreplay. Others go the DD route, but have clear delineations between what’s punishment and what’s pleasure. Generally, those delineations take the form of a particularly nasty implement versus a hand spanking, or the like. You might find that if your husband uses something you hate, those punishment spankings will be much less of a turn on and something you would kowtow to avoid.

    My suggestion is always and foremost, communication between the partners. Talk to him about your needs, fears, desires. Maybe you can reach some accommodation between pleasure spankings and punishment spankings. A demarcation of some sort appears to be in order.

    Maybe he doesn’t “get it” right now, but if you keep communicating, perhaps relate it to some kink he finds appealing but embarrassing, you’ll come to some agreement.

    Just because you like spankings, you are not a crazy person. Plenty of totally sane people like them too. You are not alone.

    Reply
  3. Lily

    Goodness no! Not a freak at all!! My relationship with the hubby falls in the random gray area between DD, D/s, AP, BDSM and you name it, as well. I love spankings in general but punishment ones are not fun and I dread them even if when its all over they’re not that bad and definitely beneficial. We do our best not to put official labels on ttwd because our relationship and how we label is completely different from another couples. Keep chugging along and try not to be too hard on yourself. Definitely not a freak though!

    Reply
  4. lori

    I’m with you.. I love to be spanked. Now if I could only get my DH to do it.. I’m thinking about telling him I want a spanking for Mothers Day. 🙂

    Reply
  5. Renee Rose

    I totally get all of this. I used to pray for this kink to be taken away from me. I thought it made me weak, weird, flawed, etc. Embracing the notion that it just one of MANY MANY divine expressions of sexuality helped set me free and release the shame I had around it.

    I still don’t understand why “punishment” is hot– like you, it’s not the pain… (although I have a high pain threshold), it’s something else. Something about being naughty, taken in hand, something just about my butt wanting to be spanked! There’s so much wrapped up in it that I just haven’t been able to tease it all out. But the bottom (no pun intended) line is that it doesn’t matter “why”– there’s no need to psychoanalyze because it isn’t wrong. Just like being gay isn’t wrong, or masturbating isn’t wrong. All of these many varied sexual expressions are found in nature, it’s only humans who have made so many of them shameful.

    DD DOES work for spankos. Personally, I think it should only be practiced by spankos. I think the more you accept yourself as you are, your husband will embrace that part of you too and you won’t find yourself acting out to get what you crave. I feel like we do those sorts of things when we’re in resistance with some part of it and in this case, you both are in slight resistance.

    Ok, I wrote a book. PM if you want to chat…

    hugs and love from your also-weird soul sister.

    Reply
  6. Natasha Knight

    Ok, wow. Read that again. I think it’s natural to straddle the line – I know I do. I think a lot of us do. We’re so alike in so many ways but there are little differences – like little things that turn us on or off that are different from the next spanko. Which by the way, who came up with spanko? I dislike that. We should look for a better term.

    I have a question – you said your husband dislikes spanking you. Did you mean punishment spankings or in general? Are you missing the discipline part of this? Is it the words that go along with the physical act?

    You’re obviously not getting something that you need which brings up Renee’s point of resistance. Naturally, rebellion is our reaction when we can’t put our finger on or look at and see what’s there. Have you talked with your husband about what he needs out of this and how he feels when he spanks you? I think this can be a lot of pressure on a man, a real flesh and blood man. I’m reading the ‘how to get the spanking you want’ and have just downloaded the ‘hot to give’ version for my husband. I know you’ve read them but maybe it helps to revisit? I know one thing that’s HUGE for us (and you know how disappointed I’ve been at my lowest) is communicating openly even when what you have to say shames you to no end or sounds so final. I think that shame will pass and at a certain point, you/we have to figure out to just accept it already – it’s part of us and there’s no shame in it, it just is (like anything else that’s just hardwired). Anyhow, I’m rambling now. I’d love to talk more but I’d like to hear how you’re doing since the post went up.

    Reply
  7. katherinedeane Post author

    Hey gals,
    Sorry I have not had a chance to reply to ya’all yet. We went on a last minute – but MUCH needed staycation. I have been sans-internet for the last 30 hours! (I know! And I lived to talk about it! )
    🙂
    Thanks so much for the support and the great advice. I really appreciate it.)
    I’m feeling a lot better after our little bit of family time.
    Hopefully, after we get rested up, we can catch up, and actually talk again.
    For the time being, I think I like Lori’s idea of a Mother’s Day spanking. sounds lovely!
    I agree about the communication, and book ideas too. will do!

    Sorry to reply to all, like this. I hope I’m not being too rude. But we just got back, and we are all beat.
    Thanks!
    Good night ya’all 🙂

    Reply
  8. Casey McKay

    I just found your blog and I am throwing my two cents in. I have the same confused/conflicted feelings! Me and my husband don’t practice DD, but I’m a total spanko, he is not, but he likes that I like it. Why do we need labels? Just keep communicating with your husband, that’s all you need, you’re not weird! And you’re so not alone 🙂

    Reply

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